This is a post all about self care and full of some #realtalk. Since my mom died I've been having a really hard time dealing. I'm usually great at bouncing back, but I've also never had to deal with the kind of trauma that losing a parent entails. I've developed a kind of constant anxiety that caused me to have to leave work one day when I had a full blown panic attack. See, #realtalk. It was so scary and unexpected. I decided to see a doctor, which was the best thing I could have done. He reassured me that everything I'm feeling is normal when dealing with a trauma like this. It was so reassuring to have someone confirm that I wasn't having some kind of abnormal reaction to losing my mom. There's a lot of stress involved in the after affects as well. As the oldest sibling, I'm responsible for making sure her cremation was paid for and I also feel like I need to keep it together for my kids and my boyfriend and my job. After about 10 days of insisting I was fine, it was refreshing to admit that I was not fine. I do wish I could have admitted it without the panic attack, but it is what it is. The body is a crazy, wonderful thing.
My job is amazing. I talked to my lead and my doctor, and we all decided the best thing for me would be to take some time off. It was a really hard thing to say "Yes, I need some time off to focus on myself and get myself back into a good space." I don't know if it's a personal thing or a woman thing, but I wanted so bad to be strong and together so it took a lot to admit that I don't have it together at this moment. I am so very thankful that my job agreed to give me 3 weeks of paid time off to focus on self care. I'm insanely lucky, I know most people don't have this option, and most companies wouldn't offer it. I feel so loved and supported right now. Definitely #blessed.
So self care. I've always been a big supporter of self care and I've been thinking of all the things I can do for myself during this time. Losing my mom is going to be so painful for a long time, maybe forever. I do need to get to a place where this anxiety isn't affecting me at the level it is currently. I've been waking up early every day and going for 2-3 mile walks first thing. It's been such an amazing way to start my day. I've also been writing a lot about my mom, kind of diary style. It's helped a lot. I've made a therapy appointment, to maybe talk out some of my feelings with a professional and get some good coping strategies. I've made my own cold brew and been reading outside daily. I got some cool paper face masks and taken nightly bubble baths. Lots of cat snuggles and talking to friends when I'm feeling low. I feel like I've really deepened some friendships after losing my mom and it's made me so grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life. Next up to try is some yoga and meditation.
I'm starting to feel like I'm getting to a better coping place. It's most likely a combo of medication and the self care strategies I've started using. If you have anything that helps when you are going through something rough, definitely let me know! I'm open to trying anything!
Thanks for reading! I'm also grateful for this little blog and every person who takes the time to stop by. xoxo.